It’s that time of the year where ravers everywhere assemble for one of the most romantic Hallmark card holidays known to Millenials and Boomers alike… that’s right fam, it’s Valentine’s Day. The most exciting romantic rave holiday next to New Year’s Eve. If you didn’t happen to turn your New Year’s Eve kiss into your cuffing season bae… just follow my helpful tips to find true love out there on the dance floor.
Step One:
Take a SHOWER stinky! Only wooks go out without one. Masked by their three-day-old pachouli trail only fellow female wookies know how to discern and then pick the strongest of scents for their carnal pleasure. Pro-tip: Wear Deodorant.
Step Two:
Dress in your most flattering outfit. The sky is the limit. You want to give off the vibe of being approachable, yet sophisticated while keeping your unique sense of style and personality on display. I’ve outlined an example of what NOT to wear below.
Step Three:
Stay away from body glitter. You see that chick with the glitter tits, Etsy headdress, wig, makeup for days, and rhinestoned fishnets… yeah we all did, and her boyfriend can bench 250 pounds and put her single BFF on his other shoulder for brownie points. She isn’t for you son.
Step Four:
Establish your dancing space. A true raver’s personality comes out through his effective dancing. Consider this your mating call. Whether you are doing the raver hop, the two-step, the crossed arm too old for this shit wobble, or shuffling… make it your own.
Step 5:
Keep your IG pimp hand strong. NOOOO babes, not for you… for your rave bae. I promise this works. Watch the obviously single girls in your area taking pictures of each other. OH NO… they are having trouble taking that selfie? Not anymore! Swoop in with your devilishly handsome style and offer to help them take their IG PHOTO of the night.
Step 6:
If all else fails… get as obliterated as you want. You can always be your own Valentine. Or you could go old school and buy the other annoyed person at the bar a drink.
I guess there’s always next year…
Happy Valentine’s Day Freaks!
